happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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