just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
