I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
