Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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