Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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