He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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