69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
