I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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