respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
