Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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