I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
