There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
