I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize