Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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