I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Enjoy the penises
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
