I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
