it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize