is your mom at the bar?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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