i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
