This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
