last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
