Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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