It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Send help, water and tortillas.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
FUCK WHALES
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
