I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
