I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
