I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
