Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize