Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
