UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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