It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize