Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
