my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
17 year olds will be the death of me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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