i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
