We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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