Yo dont text me then not text me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize