that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
