I puked a lego.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
