No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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