why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize