I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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