yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
