My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize