I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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