life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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