I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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