masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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