Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
