I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize