Im at strip club and am horny
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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