I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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