The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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