You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize