I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
