I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
