I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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