ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I die, sorry about rent.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
