If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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