I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
