For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
