her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Mom said you looked used
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
