its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
