Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
