atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
