I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
