I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
