saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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