Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
