Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
